


On That Rooftop, I Died

by Tyr_The_Extraordinaire



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Catharsis, Coming Out, Crying, Hurt Spencer Reid, Las Vegas, POV Spencer Reid, Sad Ending, Sad Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid - Freeform, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:15:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23384362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tyr_The_Extraordinaire/pseuds/Tyr_The_Extraordinaire
Summary: For years Reid had hidden who he was, he deflected when asked about his weekends, about girlfriends and dates. He never made plans so he wouldn't be forced to lie to them.It wasn't that he thought the team wouldn't accept him, he knew logically that none of them were homophobic.But it didn't matter.The first and last time he had built up the courage to tell them, he'd nearly had a panic attack in front of them and had to rush off into the bathroom until it subsided.So he had decided to never tell them. Because if he did, would they notice? Would they notice his lingering eyes, his flustered smiles, and embarrassed blushes?Would Morgan notice?--------------------"JJ told me." He swallowed. "She told me that you're- that you- " Morgan shook his head, cutting himself off.Reid's breath hitched as panic forced its way up his throat.No, fuck. This can't be happening, not after all this time. Not after years of hiding, and lying. He was going to kill JJ, he should never have told her."What?" He flinched at the breathiness of his voice.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 92





	On That Rooftop, I Died

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hola, bonjour, Привет, 你好, こんにちは, 안녕하세요, שלום, and नमस्कार.
> 
> This is officially my first fanfiction. I have a slowburn planned in a different fandom, as explained in my profile, but I thought I would post some shorts that I've written but never posted. 
> 
> While this is my first fanfiction, I have been writing for about a decade, although most of those years don't count because I'm only 17, as of July. But I wanted to get my writing out into the world and get some real feedback from real people to better myself as a writer. 
> 
> So, I hope you enjoy and I would really appreciate any constructive criticism you have for me.

Reid shuddered as he pushed open the fire exit door, cold night air buffeting his clothes and stinging his eyes. He blinked, his vision adjusting to the dark cityscape, grey clouds laced with moonlight, the sooty black outlines of bridges and skyscrapers decorated with neon and garishly fluorescent billboards and lights, like bright pixels on a screen, ads flashing a kaleidoscope of reds, pinks, blues, greens, and purples against a grimy backdrop of smog and smoke. 

Closing the door behind him, Reid stared up at the static blackness of the night sky. There were no stars, no other light other than the city and luminous grey moon that crawled high in the sky as the night passed.

Marvelling at the sprawling scene before him, Reid leaned out over the edge, feeling like a giant as he watched the constant blur of cars and people swamping and swarming the streets like currents in a stream.

He shivered as the wind picked up, it's frigid claws digging into his skin as he crossed his bare arms against it, resting his elbows on the gravel strewn concrete before him, watching the sleepless city with a sense of calm, the always present movement and life was hypnotic in a way; its consistency reassuring; its chaos anonymous.

The tranquility shattered as the door behind him opened, the whine of stiff hinges making him jerk around to face the person intruding upon him, only to relax when he saw who it was.

"Jesus, that scared me, Morgan." He brushed off the gravel sticking to his arms as Morgan smiled, looking over Reid's shoulder at the backdrop of the city.

"Sorry." He wouldn't meet his gaze, even as he came to stand alongside him, still staring out at the metropolis with glassy, unblinking eyes, the bright advertisements reflected in them, vibrant and alive in his dark gaze. 

Something was wrong. 

He seemed… uncomfortable. His body taut as if he was bracing himself against a blow. His shoulders stiff as he glanced at Reid and caught him watching.

The silence between them festered under the backdrop of the city. Reid couldn't do this, he didn't have the patience. 

Reid leaned forward and tried to meet his gaze, forcing himself into Morgan's line of sight.

He blinked, looking at Reid blankly and he smiled; Morgan flinched.

"Are you okay? You're acting weird." Reid turned his whole body towards him and crossed his arms.

Morgan, after a slight hesitation, turned to him, jaw clenched and eyes distant.

"JJ told me." He swallowed. "She told me that you're- that you- " Morgan shook his head, cutting himself off.

Reid's breath hitched as panic forced its way up his throat.

No, fuck. This can't be happening, not after all this time. Not after years of hiding, and lying. He was going to kill JJ, he should never have told her.

"What?" He flinched at the breathiness of his voice. 

Morgan sighed, tugging his cap off and sliding a hand over his buzzed hair. 

"Reid. Why? Why didn't you tell me?" 

Reid shook his head. "I don't know what you're talking about." 

"That you're gay, Reid, that- " a breathy laugh escaped him and Reid closed his eyes against that hysterical expression that contorted Morgan's face.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He repeated, the desperation, the confusion, growing in his voice. 

"I thought we were friends, you could have trusted me."

Reid's eyes snapped open. "Could I have trusted you? You, of all people? Look at how you're reacting, Morgan, you really can't see why I wouldn't want to tell you?" 

Reid inhaled slowly, swallowing against the sobs that pushed their way up his throat like bile, closing his eyes again. He couldn't look at him.

"Is that all JJ told you?" 

Silence. Wind buffeted his hair and clothes, the clamour of the streets, the roar of aeroplanes above them, but in the cacophony Morgan's silence was overwhelming, suffocating, it swallowed him up whole as he translated that sickening pause. 

All these years, all that effort to hide, to lie and pretend everything was fine, all that effort to prevent it from ruining their friendship, and it all falls down in a moment of blinded trust and a slip of the tongue.

"Reid, I- " Morgan reached for him but Reid stepped back swiftly.

"Don't, just don't," he choked out, vision blurring. 

Reid turned away from him, running his hands through his hair and clenching it tightly. 

"Reid, it's not a big deal, okay? We can- " 

"Not a big deal?" Reid said, turning to face him, incredulous. "I'm in love with you, Morgan, I have been for years, how is this not a big deal?"

Reid's voice rebounded and echoed off the concrete and steel of the buildings surrounding them, the sound too loud in this peaceful reprise from the ravenous city. 

Why was Morgan so calm? He should be freaking out, like him, wasn't fair that he wasn't affected by this and Reid was. It wasn't right that even in this moment he could be calm and collected, cool-headed and logical while _Reid_ fell deeper into panic every second he stood on this rooftop with him.

It wasn't fair.

"You don't understand, Reid, I- " 

Morgan fell silent when Reid jerked a vicious hand through the air and hung his head, hair falling into his eyes. 

"Just leave, Derek." Reid's voice broke at his name. He had to leave, he couldn't do this now. 

Not now, not ever. He had to leave.

"Please, don't do this," Morgan said, taking a step closer. 

He had to leave. 

He stared at the ground in front of him and didn't respond.

Please, just leave.

Morgan took another step towards him.

And another. 

One more.

The space closed between them and Morgan reached out with one hand, gently grabbing hold of Reid's wrist and tugging him closer. Reid stumbled slightly, stilling as Morgan slid a hand around his neck and pulled him into a hug.

Reid stood frozen in his embrace as Morgan tucked him into his shoulder and ran a hand into his hair.

He didn't want to read into this and he didn't want to indulge himself, but he always did. 

Again and again he let himself succumb to this crazy fantasy, but as they stood there, on an empty and dark rooftop in the middle of the sleepless, luminescent city of Las Vegas, he let his guard down, just a little, as Morgan held him and a hopeful, vilely optimistic thought spun through his mind.

Maybe he would stay.

His colleague.

His best friend

His _everything_

Maybe he would just _stay_.

The moment was perfect, a screenshot of a life that wasn't possible and in that moment it was too much. The tears slid, warm and bittersweet, down his cheeks. It was years overdue, years of pent up emotion and feelings, all spilling over the brim at once in one tumultuous, cathartic wave. 

And in that moment, Reid knew it could never be real, and then it was all over. 

He wrenched himself out of Morgan's comforting arms and tripped backwards into the hard, cold wall of the fire exit behind him. 

He had to leave.

"Go," Reid choked out, head falling down into his knees.

This time Morgan listened. A brief pause, then tentative footsteps over gravel and the harsh scream of metal on metal as the door opened.

And nothing. He was gone.

Reid lifted his head and stared at the door for a moment before letting his head fall back against the wall as his shoulders started shaking and tears fell in double time. His chest hurt and his lungs burned as the sobs wracked his body, uncontrollable and violent as he gasped for air and clambered to his feet. 

The city was as vibrant as ever, but the psychedelic billboards and the harsh yellow and red light from cars hurt his eyes now, the screams and cries of city folk piercing his ears. The motley mess of mountainous clouds cloaked the horizon, the vicious moonlight tearing through and illuminating the tops of the skyscrapers like a forest of glass shards.

Reid sobbed, the colours shifting and blurring through his tear soaked vision. He pressed a hand to his mouth and turned his back on the energetic beauty of the city, inhaling shakily as he slid down the concrete barrier into the comforting shadow cast by the looming giants of concrete and steel. 

He stared at the fire exit before him, the gaping darkness of the doorway mocking him as he realised he had never felt so alone as he did in this moment. 

Reid closed his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> So that's it! My first fanfiction. If you have any feedback, please leave a comment. Kudos are greatly appreciated, it'll only take you a second to drop one so please do, it tells me people are engaging in the work and it'll motivate me to write more frequently.
> 
> I would like to note for the record that I, as bisexual woman, will not just be writing about gay, male ships. I know there's a lot of female writers on here that fetishize gay couples and relationships, and I wanted to separate myself from that type of writer. In my own personal writing, I try to put in as much positive represention for the LGBTQA+ community and for POC as I can, I don't just write about gay men, but nor do I just write about people like me, i.e. bisexual, white women. I want everyone to feel included and safe in the worlds I create.
> 
> Serious rant over. I hope you enjoyed the story, I'm definitely going to be writing for Criminal Minds again. It'll also likely be Reid-centric because he's my favorite character. If I do write more of him, it'll probably be about the various traumas he has been through because I felt the show didn't do a great job carrying out those storylines, especially the Hankel arc. 
> 
> So, until next time, Grey out✌
> 
> P.S. also no spoilers for CM, I'm only on season 7 lol.


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